My friend Ed is getting married soon and has been completely bamboozled and befuddle by all the traditions and customs coming out of the woodwork. You see, he is both Jewish and English...and not terribly observant on either account. I tried to give reassurances that I knew *ALL* the customs and could try to sort them out for him. What followed was one of my better lines of stream of consciousness absolute and complete bullshit that left Ed unable to separate reality from the lies that offered a more beautiful and rich world. I am now pleased to share them with you.
First off, the English customs:
Cooks must prepare a lifesize marzipan Queen Elizabeth II, singing "Eat Britannia" the entire time. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES MAY THE COOKS LOOK AT THE QUEEN MARZIPAN'S CROTCH
The groom must ritually urinate toward France every hour on the hour for the first three days the Weddingetide, as has been the custom since Agincourt.
The bride must tighten every bolt on a '62 Jaguar or be rendered infertile by the Lady of the Lake (currently in the form of Jeremy Clarkson).
After pushing the “sexy barge” the length of the Western Canal, the wedding party must lift a mule and rotate it thrice widdershins before putting it down and wondering why they just did that, as is the custom.
During the ceremony, the officiant will pause and solemnly intone “Scotland”. The congregation will nod and hum disapprovingly. This is required to bind the spirits of the Great Britain together. Second moment will be taken to ignore Wales and Northern Ireland, though no particular thought will be given to this.
Now, onto the Jewish customs:
At the reception, the bride and groom will be seated at the receiving line. Guests will shake the bride's hand, kiss her on each cheek for pity, and then slap her thrice for foolishness. For the groom, guest will all bend over and fart in his face. If one of the older guests is incontinent on the groom, this is a judgment from YHWH. In accordance with the 8th Synod of Long Island, the bride's dress must be treated with kosher scotchgard to minimize splatter during the receiving line. The groom will be thoroughly inspected by the Rabbi-MD for charcoal inserts, perfumes or other nasal filtration devices. A fart that goes unsmelt shall annul the marriage promptly and the eldest brother takes immediate possession of the forfeit bride. Forfeit brides must be reassessed for cut, clarity, and bra size by the nearest Bedouin. If a Bedouin is not available within 33 leagues, any free and acknowledged Mason of the 69th degree (Freemasonry’s sexiest degree) will suffice.
As is customary, the bride’s father will be required to perform public sex acts, EXCLUDING FAUX-LLATIO, with the 2nd tier of the wedding cake. The top tier of the cake is customarily baked with 200mg/serving of Viagra to help in this effort.
For luck, each member of the wedding party must do a body shot off each attending grandparent. Should neither couple have attending nor remaining grandparents, the eldest homeless person in a 5 mile radius will suffice, but the luck is diminished significantly. The grandparent/homeless person is not strictly required to be dancing naked with nipple tassels on, but YHWH is known to approve of them.
When a Jewish wedding announcement is placed in the newspaper, the parents of bride & groom must scour the entire paper for declarations of blood libel. This especially includes a thorough inspection of the stock market pages using the Cipher of St. Cyril to look for coded papist messages. If any blood libels are discovered, the parents are required to double the amount of wine purchased for the wedding to simulate the blood wrung from slain Christian babies.
It is, of course, still customary for the married couple to crush a cloth wrapped glass underfoot for luck. Crushing the head of a live baby goat, while less common, is still acceptable in some communities. More traditional families may actually require goats to be tethered to all the guests’ chairs for the duration of ceremonies. The goat droppings will be collected throughout and presented to the couple for use on their honeymoon.