funranium: (Stealing A Moment)
Once upon a time, over four years ago, [ profile] benchilada  wrote a wonderful story under the auspices of his FUCK WITH MY ART program.

I then wrote many more because I just couldn't stop fucking with his art.

After reading a whole bunch of them aloud last night, I think there may be more there.  I think it's probably time to discuss religion in the post-temporal era.

Because the clock in San Dimas is always running...
funranium: (Default)
So, I was at work on Thursday and my co-worker asked me what I was doing for Easter.  I told him that I'd be going down to see my folks and eat some delicious ham.

A puzzled look crossed his face and he asked, "Phil, why is considered normal to eat ham on Easter?"

I replied with a completely deadpan delivery, "Because after Jesus was crucified and entombed, his followers went on a rampage and killed the Pharisees with pork legs.  This is also why observant Jews consider pork to be unclean."

He started to nod, followed by the waaaaait-a-minute face, and then glared at me.  "People should not be able to spout complete and utter bullshit as well as you do."

Today, while reprising this gem of bullshit to [ profile] graymalkn , I changed it to the idea of God being wroth with the death of his one and only son rained ham down upon the evil doer Jews and smote them.  It was then that I had a HORSE ON FIRE!!!  Imagine the following:

Scene: Jerusalem, early Roman Imperial period.  It is dusk.

A very special post-Passover crucifixion extravaganza has taken place but it is over now.  The last of the condemned went in the ground three days ago, but even at this hour the slaves are still cleaning up Golgotha to get it ready for the next event.

The first shooting star crosses the sky.  Then another.  Then more.  Soon comes the first flash and cloud of dust when a building explodes in a Michael Bay-esque manner as a meteor strikes the city.  It will not be the last. 

The next morning, the shephards from the outskirts of the city creep in, drawn by the smell of a sumptious feast but they find no one to greet them as they approach what remains of the walls.  Fires are still burning here and there.

They head to the Temple but it is not there.  Instead there is only a crater, but there's something at the bottom.  The bravest of the ragged band of shephards scampers down the still warm crater wall.

At the bottom is a perfectly cooked and honey glazed ham.  Its re-entry burn left it juicy and succulent with a perfect carmelized shell.  The shephard cannot resist this perfection and buries his face in it.  The other shephards find hams of their own in other craters.

And thus the first Easter was celebrated.

funranium: (Default)
It has been a six months since I last Fucked With [personal profile] benchilada's Art.  That story just continues to inspire.

funranium: (Default)
Not very long ago at all, it was possible to find large herds of these majestic beasts out on the frozen lakes and glaciers of North America.  Like the musk ox, they once ranged across the entirety of the continent but had retreated with the Laurentian Sheet as the last Ice Age came to end.  Now habitat destruction has taken their few remaining homes in the wild in Canada.  Winnipeg and the lake country are now filled with fishermen and sailboats of callous Canadians instead.

But hope is not lost.  Across Canada, Europe, Russia, and now in the United States as well, sanctuaries have been found for these noble creatures.  They live a life in captivity, but it is better than the sure extinction that would have followed if the National Hockey League and International Ice Hockey Federation hadn't stepped in.  But these are tame and nothing compared to their feral forebears.

Please support your teams.  With every game you attend, part of the proceeds will be used to help house and maintain the arena's sponsored zamboni.

With your help, one day the herds of wild zamboni will roam our land once more from sea to shining sea.

funranium: (Stealing A Moment)
No, I'm not talking about your mom.  Your mom to the nth remove however...wouldn't touch her without a high pressure sterilizing bactine hose/flame thrower and some kudzu grade hair clippers.  I bring up your n-mom because I want to take a moment to talk to you about the Quarantine Centers and the sniffers. 

I've talked a lot about what's wrong with us going to the Downtime, fucking around back there and what it's done to our collective heads in the Now.  If it weren't for the blessed Persistence of Time our ancestors would have preemptively castrated themselves to keep us from ever visiting.  Lucky bastards don't ever have to remember us.  We have to endure the stories in the bar and cranial sound projection holofilms.

But that's not all people bring back.

I'd always wondered why the Machine's door made a Star Trek like hissing noise as the doors opened.  It was because of the slight vacuum inside from the air filters cleaning the dust out of the air.

Next Time: The BSP-Logan Effect and Ramifications for Modern Education
funranium: (Book Learnin')
funranium: (Stealing A Moment)
When you read the old web chronicles, it should be plainly clear to even the most oblivious passing observer that there was something deep seated and wrong about the pre-Machine Society for Creative Anachronism.  Something in these people deeply wanted nothing to do with the time they were born to, something that made them travel hundreds, sometimes thousands of miles, dress up in handmade/ridiculously expensive clothing that didn't even remotely match the actual clothes of the time they were emulating...and then go camping with some recreational pretending to make war on each other.

The Society for Creative Anachronism under the Rangers is no longer the welcoming community it once was.  It takes something more than merely wishing to escape into the fantasy of the past to be a downtime survivalist; if you want that, go talk to the Wizards.  Now it is something closer to a tradesman's guild, something the folks from downtime would recognize all too well.

Both factions are whackjobs if you ask me.  The present may not be much, but at least its ours.
funranium: (Stealing A Moment)
I'm not going to mince words here, I am a curmudgeon.  I can find something to hate about pretty much anything in the world today, except the word curmudgeon.  It as a lovely flavor to it, the hardness and growl at the beginning followed by the abrupt end.  Personally, I find it is best experienced directly from the lips and attitudes of the Victorian English toffs though it takes some work to get them to say it to you with conviction.  I have no problem getting them to say it.  I particularly like hearing it from the wife of a certain lower echelon Lord as I get a chance to offend her anew every time I go back there. 

Everyone always said that Naomi was the spitting image of her mother.  Jeremy certainly agreed, although he had a bit of a problem seeing the difference between the downtime and now.
funranium: (Stealing A Moment)
Artists have always been quick to sieze new technologies and adapt them to their creative energies and the Machines are no exception.  Two major artistic movements have come into existence since the advent of the Machine, popularly known as the transtemporalists and the ephemeralists.  If I could sum them both up simply, and that is no easy task, they are an artistic rebellion against time itself though they are in polar opposition to each other.

funranium: (Stealing A Moment)

Sometimes kids ask me what the words "United States of America" on the old coins I have means.  They know what America is, since they live here, but ask what are states and why did they need to be united?  Little punks, reminding me how old I am and asking a question I know the founding fathers didn't know the answer to.  I'm not being an ass; I asked them. 

Oh sure, Thomas Paine gave me the excuse that it was because we had a common interest in standing against English tyranny but does that really justify the next 250 years of history, excusing that brief hiccup in the 1860s?  When I asked Jefferson what states were for he just kind of shrugged and said it's because that was the way America was settled.  Daniel Boone had the fine observation that eventually you get too far through the Cumberland Gap for communication back to Richmond to be worth a steamer full of bear crap, so you gotta take care of yourself.  Right, spatio-communication organizational limits make sense.   But he could justify New England to me?  Rhode Island!?!?  Nooooooooo.

To really understand how the USA became just America, the barely governed parochial mess that it is, you must first understand how world government collapsed first.  Really, it was the prototype for all the rest of the collapses that followed.

It was as if the entire world had become Palestine who, as we all know, is full of people that are very keenly aware of their history.  I once heard Greece is fighting the Peloppenesian Wars again, but then not a lot of news comes out Europe anymore.

There used to be a saying once that time heals all wounds.  The advent of the Machine erased time and every wound ever inflicted is raw and bleeding again. 
funranium: (Default)
Inspired by the Christian parable "The Perfect Heart" by the Reverend Daniel Casey.  I am rather fond of it.  Thank you [profile] auto_de_fe.

funranium: (Mr. Handy)
In my efforts to not be pissed off at my group project for radioecology, I have written this, as requested, and inspired by the [personal profile] benchilada

First off, I want to state that I think there should be a Ministry of Weird Shit.  This is the branch of the government that rolls up the newspaper and baps the other branches of the government on the nose and says, " You aren't old enough to play with this", when Weird Shit is found, created, or drops out of the sky.  Unfortunately, it would probably have to be staffed by Atlanteans or something because no one else who'd volunteer would be competent to do it.

funranium: (Stealing A Moment)

After three months, I have been seized by a need to have more Time Travel Fun.  Let us check in with the Future.

funranium: (Stealing A Moment)
I...can't...stop...fucking...with...[profile] benchilda'  Please read his original story for reference.  Without further ado...

funranium: (Stealing A Moment)

Continuing my social commentary on a future with time travel as inspired by the [personal profile] benchilada.

funranium: (Stealing A Moment)


Due to a recent outbreak of Pestis Larrymeyerensis, all travellers returning to the San Fernando Valley will be diverted to the Schwarzenegger Temporal Center and subject to pelvic examination, lymphatic drain, and cerebral parasite screening.

  The DOHS Time Service would like to remind travellers that The Black Death is not a discrete ailment.  Please refrain from touching, tasting, or having intercourse with the open sores of infected historical individuals.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Department of Homeland Security - Time Service, Greater Bakersfield: 
Today Is Tomorrow's Yesterday!  

funranium: (Stealing A Moment)

But schooling and employment caused an insurmountable delay responding to a command to Fuck With benchilada's Art.  The original story, which can be found here, is one of the most pleasing short stories I have read about time travel in ages.  If you enjoy it, or this, he invites any and all to Fuck With His Art.  Without further ado, art fucking...


December 2012

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