funranium: (USAP)

It was about this time of the winter that people started getting wistful for the things back home and what intended to do, promptly, when they got of the Ice.  Midwinter had recently passed but the elation of reaching the halfway point had now dissapated in the cold realization that there were months yet left to go.  This is when most people broke and headed deep down the Spiral of Toast.  Elaborate drunken plans of questionable logistics/finances/sanity were crafted in the dark smoky confines of Club 90 South.  Most of them didn't survive the harsh sunlight of landing in Christchurch.

I got asked what I missed most.  I had to give that some thought.  While I certainly missed hiking in the redwood trees, I'd gotten used to missing them over the previous several years in Silicon Valley.  It was then that I experienced what I would later call a Horse On Fire moment...

I could feel the acceleration through the curve.  The wind rushed in the sunroof and through my hair.  The smell of Sierra pines in the warm summer sun, but the air is cool with the altitude passing through Silverfork and Twin Bridges.  There was a Whatchamacallit bar in the door pocket and a Cherry Coke in the cup holder, traditional Hwy 50 road trip snacks.  The California Alpine drive is savored, going through those turns endlessly, but never arriving in Lake Tahoe.

Jake: "YO!  PHIL!"
Phil: "Huh?  What?"
J: "You stroked off for a moment there.  Got another CD in the case?" (CD is shorthand for Canterbury Draught)
P: "Uh, yeah.  Sorry."

I had a couple more fugue moments in August and September where I got to enjoy driving in the Sierras.  If I had any in October, I don't remember them. 

I'm not hallucinating like I did in Antarctica but, man, a drive to Yosemite or Tahoe sounds like a good idea right now.

funranium: (Default)
So, I was at work on Thursday and my co-worker asked me what I was doing for Easter.  I told him that I'd be going down to see my folks and eat some delicious ham.

A puzzled look crossed his face and he asked, "Phil, why is considered normal to eat ham on Easter?"

I replied with a completely deadpan delivery, "Because after Jesus was crucified and entombed, his followers went on a rampage and killed the Pharisees with pork legs.  This is also why observant Jews consider pork to be unclean."

He started to nod, followed by the waaaaait-a-minute face, and then glared at me.  "People should not be able to spout complete and utter bullshit as well as you do."

Today, while reprising this gem of bullshit to [livejournal.com profile] graymalkn , I changed it to the idea of God being wroth with the death of his one and only son rained ham down upon the evil doer Jews and smote them.  It was then that I had a HORSE ON FIRE!!!  Imagine the following:

Scene: Jerusalem, early Roman Imperial period.  It is dusk.

A very special post-Passover crucifixion extravaganza has taken place but it is over now.  The last of the condemned went in the ground three days ago, but even at this hour the slaves are still cleaning up Golgotha to get it ready for the next event.

The first shooting star crosses the sky.  Then another.  Then more.  Soon comes the first flash and cloud of dust when a building explodes in a Michael Bay-esque manner as a meteor strikes the city.  It will not be the last. 

The next morning, the shephards from the outskirts of the city creep in, drawn by the smell of a sumptious feast but they find no one to greet them as they approach what remains of the walls.  Fires are still burning here and there.

They head to the Temple but it is not there.  Instead there is only a crater, but there's something at the bottom.  The bravest of the ragged band of shephards scampers down the still warm crater wall.

At the bottom is a perfectly cooked and honey glazed ham.  Its re-entry burn left it juicy and succulent with a perfect carmelized shell.  The shephard cannot resist this perfection and buries his face in it.  The other shephards find hams of their own in other craters.

And thus the first Easter was celebrated.


funranium: (SMRT)
"I think traditional wedding means that it has the potential to spark multi-generational feuds."

I'm not sure what caused this thought, which sounded in my head like I was pulling dialog from a movie that never existed, but I think I'm going to choose to blame it on Warren Ellis and listening to Gogol Bordello.
funranium: (Default)
So, last night while driving home from Friday Night Waltz, [livejournal.com profile] robyngoodfelloe and I were discussing commute options from Livermore.  I reminded her of the good news that, once again, voters had approved an extension of BART to Livermore (actual route still yet to be determined). 

[livejournal.com profile] robyngoodfelloe : That'll be done in 5 years or so...maybe.
Phil: If that fast. 
R: So, not exactly helpful.
P: Unless it gets fast tracked for construction under major infrastructure improvements with a new WPA or something.
R: Suuuuuuuuure it will.
P: Seriously, were getting all New Deal up in here.  F.D. Ro-Z!  Represent!
R: Stop talking...please.
P: Yes love.

I've had visions of MC Hawking and a pimpin' FDR both with tricked out wheelchairs with ground effects, encrusted with diamonds.  For some reason F.D. Ro-Z's wheels has a purple/orange with metallic flake transition paint job in my head, while MC Hawking's is high chrome.  That would be the way they roll. 

Wheelchairs, get it.

I'll stop talking now.

funranium: (Pyscho)
I am unwilling to search the internet for pictures to prove that I just thought this into existence by accident.

Ahem...

DIRTY GUNDAM FUCKSUIT!!!

Thank you.  I'm going to bed now.  I blame it on Texas diseases worsening my already damaged brain.
funranium: (Little Engine That Shouldn't)
This morning, my girl's poor prematurely battered back was complaining.  "You need a spinal upgrade", I said.

She flopped back on the bed.  "No kidding."

The advertisement from the future was already before my eyes.  A spinning spine on display, like the kind you see at a chiropractor, was there, but it was metal.  Not just any metal, it was colored high shine chrome. 

A car commercial voice starts talking: "Let American Osteodynamics put some stiffness in your spine with the Patriot Erector 3000.  Now available with red, white, and blue vertebrae.  From C1 to L5, never let the terrorists doubt your resolve."

Then a jigglebunny shows up, topless but with her back to the screen, though she is looking over her shoulder coquettishly.  Her arms are folded over her chest, accentuating the musculature of her back.  She giggles a bit as the patriotic subdermal display begins flashing, lighting up red, white and blue up and down her spine.

American Osteodynamics does not guarantee spontaneous displays of courage.  Any inability to compromise is coincedental.
funranium: (Little Engine That Shouldn't)

While driving back from Oakland, I was rocking out to a wee bit of Hayseed Dixie (thanks and damnation to you again [profile] ratswallow) and I had a vision.  Once again, my brain has been consumed by A HORSE ON FIRE!!!  Follow along and see the staggering truth.

Brian Johnson, front man of ACDC, has presumably made a great deal of money.  Some of it due to singing (if you would like to call his girlish scream mixed with geriatric smoker gravel singing) but I'm sure the rest is from a lucrative side business recycling the used panties collected from the stage after concerts on the internet...in bulk.  Because land in the Outback isn't exactly "choice", he has probably amassed a vast station in the Great Nothing.

He is standing on his porch, probably with a Fosters or Tui in hand, looking out into the expanse.  A wallaby is bounding across the closest portion of his front 8.5 million acres.  Brian's eyes narrow, focusing on the intruder.  He emits a shattering shriek of "THUNDERSTRUCK!", causing the wallaby to go incandescent before exploding.

It is a killing word...

December 2012

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