funranium: (Default)

Then Hollywood has provided the means for you, The Consumer, to experience it. The method is simple:

1 - Get a bottle of robust spirits. I recommend something like Jamesons. Begin drinking.

2 - Watch "Moon". Pay close attention to the desperate, sad and resigned end-of-contract eyes on Sam. Continue drinking.

3 - Realize that the experience, much like a winter in Antarctica, is not over yet. Watch "Dark Star". Continue drinking until the pain and consciousness go away.

Congratulations! You have just had the South Pole Winter Experience!

Seriously, awesome movie. I suspect many more viewings of "Moon" are in my future.

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funranium: (Didn't Hurt)
So when I went to see the movie last night with [ profile] robyngoodfelloe  here in Livermore at the 7:15pm showing, we had the entire theater to ourselves.  Could've taken off my pants if I'd wanted to and no one would have noticed (which does defeat the purpose of the act).  I suppose other people looked at the 15% at rottentomatoes and stayed safely away.

This moviegoing experience has not happened to me since I went to Santa Cruz's Del Mar Theater, pre-renovation, for a showing of "Predator" two months after it opened.  The opening weekend viewing of "Ravenous" with [ profile] blark  was close, but there were those three junior high school kids with us who yelled "FAG!" at me for wearing a pink Hawaiian print shirt.

funranium: (Didn't Hurt)
Long ago, I created a very high standard of movie perfection.  By its definitions, the perfect movie will include Nazis, midgets, and ninjas.  1981's "Under the Rainbow" about the little people brought together for the filming of "The Wizard of Oz" running amok in Hollywood, with attendant Axis Powers Conspiracy, is the only film I know to have achieved it thus far.

Cut For The Spoiler Shy )

funranium: (Didn't Hurt)
If you want someone to help you, do not run away from that person right after you ask for assistance. Breaking into song while running away probably won't make matters better either.

Aslo, Amanda Seyfried is goddamn Barbie.

It is vitally important to not take this movie seriously in any way shape or form. I could feel blood cots forming in my brain every time I tried, so I just let go, said the Litany Against Fear and let the ABBA wash over me.

And thus I am here to tell the tale.
funranium: (Default)
  1. Story of the first one was better.
  2. This one had more nifty things to look at, like Elder Things.
  3. Elves, as always, are dicks.
  4. The Maxx goes on in little ways.
funranium: (Duck 'n' Cover)
Since enough of you have asked my what I thought of the beginning of the new Indiana Jones movie, I thought I'd put all my thoughts together here.

First off, I did not hate it.  There was only one point in that scene where I had a headscratching moment and my willing suspension of disbelief wavered, which is bullet number 7:

Because I love bullet points, here is the list of thoughts for you:
funranium: (Butt)
By my estimate, Kate Beckinsale owes me $73.57.

Yesterday afternoon I needed to keep myself entertained while auto_de_fe did her lighting work for the matinee show. She thought it was just sad if I were to sit in my car reading all that time (which I really should have done) and exhorted me to go forth and do things, like a watch a movie.

So, I wandered down to Jack London Square. I am sad to say that the best looking option of all the movies they had was Underworld: Evolution. I could not bring myself to go see Big Momma’s House 2 when the very idea of the first one repulsed me, nor did I want to see any of the several horror films based upon cellular phone doom. Thus, I plunked down my $7 for an Underworld: Evolution matinee ticket because, after all, I had seen the first one.

I am not going to discuss the White Wolf Games lawsuit. I think it would have been better if they just let things slide and never allowed their company’s name appear in print beside Underworld, regardless of copyright infringement and plot lifts, but that’s just my opinion.

The first one I saw in Auckland when they had some kind of a deal going at this one super-duper-plex near the SkyTower where you could see movies for NZ$2. I also was rather bored. Drinking alone didn’t appeal. The people there weren’t as friendly as Christchurch or Tongariro, so I hit the movies. I figured that even if it blew the most goat ever, two bucks kiwi wasn’t a bad deal for a movie.

I was wrong. That movie hurt. But it was better than its sequel. For the original, Hollywood took a halfway decent White Wolf plot and ran it through the Tinseltown Autocrapificator with the Matrix filter on. For the sequel, they ran it through again but added the Standard Horror Sequel Regression Escalation.

Perhaps you haven’t seen enough horror films to know this regression and escalation. In each sequel, you have to realize that the previous menace had its genesis in something else and then confront that. Thus, each subsequent movie takes you toward the root of evil, a la Hellraiser, Phantasm, or Friday the 13th. Occasionally the genre will take excursions to exotic locales, like outer space (again, Hellraiser & Friday the 13th), but the continuation of the series needs to follow the trail to the source.

Underworld: Evolution hews to this mold beautifully. I would say more, but then I would ruin the movie for you…if it is possible to do more damage than the movie itself. Suffice it to say, the end of the movie is a plot hole large enough that they hope to drive another sequel through it.

They didn’t even have the decency of a proper shitball sequel to have a nude scene with Kate Beckinsale. It is, however, always good to see Sir Derek Jacobi and Steven Mackintosh deserves any and all pleasure drones he can get.

So, at the time I saw the first one, NZ$2 was about $1.50 (thank you again, President Fuckwit for tanking our currency). I was unemployed/on post-Ice vacation at the time I saw it so my time was effectively worthless. However, as Government Man Come From The Government, The Government Sent Me I am now paid $30.83/hr. Underworld: Evolution’s run time is 106 minutes. When the $7 matinee price is thrown, plus the time needed to make that after tax $7 and the cost of admission during the nadir of my New Zealand adventure, I am owed a life compensation fee of $73.57.

If there are any further sequels and I see them, I will up this tab accordingly with adjustments for salary increases.

I'm gonna go poop now.

December 2012

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