funranium: (Stealing A Moment)
Once upon a time, over four years ago, [ profile] benchilada  wrote a wonderful story under the auspices of his FUCK WITH MY ART program.

I then wrote many more because I just couldn't stop fucking with his art.

After reading a whole bunch of them aloud last night, I think there may be more there.  I think it's probably time to discuss religion in the post-temporal era.

Because the clock in San Dimas is always running...
funranium: (Default)
It has been a six months since I last Fucked With [personal profile] benchilada's Art.  That story just continues to inspire.

funranium: (Little Engine That Shouldn't)
I checked my spam box today, as it runneth over with thousands of messages from a bulletin board gone wild, and found one that stood out.  A message of such import that it cannot be ignored.  Its subject line is one that I have deleted a hundred times before and will again, but one thing stopped me.

The date.  The spam was dated 19 Jan 2038.

Chad from Canada, approximately thirty years hence, wants me to lose weight and avail myself of cheap online medications, presumably to help with my penis size.  The facts of the matter are this:
  • Canada will develop transtemporal communication.
  • Canada is so concerned about American health care problems in the early 21st century that it was necessary to send a message down time.  Specifically, weight and virility.
What can we infer from this?  My guess is that American obesity will become so dire that the very survival of the planet is at stake.  Presumably, the rest of planet Earth's men are no longer viable breeding stock for some reason or another.  America's men must be used, however they have grown so fat that their penises are no longer accessible.  The twin solution to this is try to reduce this fat burden and simultaneously increase penis size so that something can peek beyond the sweaty rolls into the realms of sexual utility. 

Efforts on the extant American men of the 2030's must be a lost cause and the only hope is to try to fix the problem in the past.

Please, think of the future.
funranium: (Stealing A Moment)
No, I'm not talking about your mom.  Your mom to the nth remove however...wouldn't touch her without a high pressure sterilizing bactine hose/flame thrower and some kudzu grade hair clippers.  I bring up your n-mom because I want to take a moment to talk to you about the Quarantine Centers and the sniffers. 

I've talked a lot about what's wrong with us going to the Downtime, fucking around back there and what it's done to our collective heads in the Now.  If it weren't for the blessed Persistence of Time our ancestors would have preemptively castrated themselves to keep us from ever visiting.  Lucky bastards don't ever have to remember us.  We have to endure the stories in the bar and cranial sound projection holofilms.

But that's not all people bring back.

I'd always wondered why the Machine's door made a Star Trek like hissing noise as the doors opened.  It was because of the slight vacuum inside from the air filters cleaning the dust out of the air.

Next Time: The BSP-Logan Effect and Ramifications for Modern Education
funranium: (Stealing A Moment)
When you read the old web chronicles, it should be plainly clear to even the most oblivious passing observer that there was something deep seated and wrong about the pre-Machine Society for Creative Anachronism.  Something in these people deeply wanted nothing to do with the time they were born to, something that made them travel hundreds, sometimes thousands of miles, dress up in handmade/ridiculously expensive clothing that didn't even remotely match the actual clothes of the time they were emulating...and then go camping with some recreational pretending to make war on each other.

The Society for Creative Anachronism under the Rangers is no longer the welcoming community it once was.  It takes something more than merely wishing to escape into the fantasy of the past to be a downtime survivalist; if you want that, go talk to the Wizards.  Now it is something closer to a tradesman's guild, something the folks from downtime would recognize all too well.

Both factions are whackjobs if you ask me.  The present may not be much, but at least its ours.
funranium: (Stealing A Moment)
I'm not going to mince words here, I am a curmudgeon.  I can find something to hate about pretty much anything in the world today, except the word curmudgeon.  It as a lovely flavor to it, the hardness and growl at the beginning followed by the abrupt end.  Personally, I find it is best experienced directly from the lips and attitudes of the Victorian English toffs though it takes some work to get them to say it to you with conviction.  I have no problem getting them to say it.  I particularly like hearing it from the wife of a certain lower echelon Lord as I get a chance to offend her anew every time I go back there. 

Everyone always said that Naomi was the spitting image of her mother.  Jeremy certainly agreed, although he had a bit of a problem seeing the difference between the downtime and now.
funranium: (Stealing A Moment)
Artists have always been quick to sieze new technologies and adapt them to their creative energies and the Machines are no exception.  Two major artistic movements have come into existence since the advent of the Machine, popularly known as the transtemporalists and the ephemeralists.  If I could sum them both up simply, and that is no easy task, they are an artistic rebellion against time itself though they are in polar opposition to each other.

funranium: (Stealing A Moment)

Sometimes kids ask me what the words "United States of America" on the old coins I have means.  They know what America is, since they live here, but ask what are states and why did they need to be united?  Little punks, reminding me how old I am and asking a question I know the founding fathers didn't know the answer to.  I'm not being an ass; I asked them. 

Oh sure, Thomas Paine gave me the excuse that it was because we had a common interest in standing against English tyranny but does that really justify the next 250 years of history, excusing that brief hiccup in the 1860s?  When I asked Jefferson what states were for he just kind of shrugged and said it's because that was the way America was settled.  Daniel Boone had the fine observation that eventually you get too far through the Cumberland Gap for communication back to Richmond to be worth a steamer full of bear crap, so you gotta take care of yourself.  Right, spatio-communication organizational limits make sense.   But he could justify New England to me?  Rhode Island!?!?  Nooooooooo.

To really understand how the USA became just America, the barely governed parochial mess that it is, you must first understand how world government collapsed first.  Really, it was the prototype for all the rest of the collapses that followed.

It was as if the entire world had become Palestine who, as we all know, is full of people that are very keenly aware of their history.  I once heard Greece is fighting the Peloppenesian Wars again, but then not a lot of news comes out Europe anymore.

There used to be a saying once that time heals all wounds.  The advent of the Machine erased time and every wound ever inflicted is raw and bleeding again. 
funranium: (Stealing A Moment)

After three months, I have been seized by a need to have more Time Travel Fun.  Let us check in with the Future.

funranium: (Stealing A Moment)
I...can't...stop...fucking...with...[profile] benchilda'  Please read his original story for reference.  Without further ado...

funranium: (Stealing A Moment)

Continuing my social commentary on a future with time travel as inspired by the [personal profile] benchilada.

funranium: (Stealing A Moment)


Due to a recent outbreak of Pestis Larrymeyerensis, all travellers returning to the San Fernando Valley will be diverted to the Schwarzenegger Temporal Center and subject to pelvic examination, lymphatic drain, and cerebral parasite screening.

  The DOHS Time Service would like to remind travellers that The Black Death is not a discrete ailment.  Please refrain from touching, tasting, or having intercourse with the open sores of infected historical individuals.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Department of Homeland Security - Time Service, Greater Bakersfield: 
Today Is Tomorrow's Yesterday!  

funranium: (Stealing A Moment)

But schooling and employment caused an insurmountable delay responding to a command to Fuck With benchilada's Art.  The original story, which can be found here, is one of the most pleasing short stories I have read about time travel in ages.  If you enjoy it, or this, he invites any and all to Fuck With His Art.  Without further ado, art fucking...


December 2012

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