The Miss America Pagent

[funranium]

So, out of abiding and unquestionable love for Mackenzie, I watched the Miss America Pagent with her on Saturday. She provided a Lewis Black justification that sold me. Much like the Super Bowl halftime show, if you want to know how far down in the shitter America is, you need to watch the pagent.

The On-Stage Question segment counts for 5% of the final score. The field had already been whittled to three and this, in theory, was the deciding moment. I am going to paraphrase the responses for proper offensiveness.

Such that it was a question, the question was this: "Describe an experience from your childhood helped shape you into the person you are today. Do not answer from your platform."

Oh yes, the platform. You can't just be pretty to be Miss America, oh no. You have to have a mission in life, a cause, a platform that you can speak on, represent, and strive for. Liking puppies is no longer sufficient basis to be the role model of American womanhood.

Anyway, the answers:

Miss Alabama (talent: pretending to dance ballet) said Dancing Which Helped Her Learn To Prioritize.

Miss Oklahoma (talent: pretending to dance ballet to even worse music) said Wearing Glasses That Someone Made Fun Of Her For, Causing Her To Know And Accept Herself Better.

Miss Georgia (talent: token Asian, mandatory piano skill) said Being Asian Helped Her Appreciate Being Asian.

The victor was Miss Oklahoma. In her case, I am tempted to refer to the title as Breast In Show.

Comments

[ratswallow.livejournal.com]

I had a visual on the contestants climbing onto some sort of float/hunting platform to answer questions...next year the contestants should be required to build something! The "puppy platform" could make a return! I can just see contestants making speeches from atop a giant puppy head.

in other news...does This creep you out as much as it does me?
...or do you want one now? Hopefully it will just further the cause of making more Americans sterile.

[graymalkn.livejournal.com]

I gots to get me some of them negative electrons. And in my wrist, too, where they'll do the most good!

[funranium.livejournal.com]

"Negative Electrons"

This, taken literally and not allowing for Engrish translation, means at 32 degrees, Celsius or Fahrenheit not specified, germanium emits positrons.

Allow me to consult my handy chart from the Oak Knolls Lab on my wall...

Nope, sorry to report that there is no germanium isotope that emits positrons which has a half life longer than 1.13 hours. That would make manufacturing tricky.

As a point of note, germanium is atomic number 32. Perhaps in Japanese New Age Fantasy Science, healing negative electrons are emitted by all elements when heated to a temperature equal to their atomic number.

Now, try this one on for scary. http://www.intensivenutrition.com/germanium32.htm

I rarely ever feel like throwing rare earth compounds in my body, much less direct absorbtion via DMSO. Used for years in alternative medicine my entire ass...

[benchilada.livejournal.com]

I dunno, man, I may get one just so my wrist will STOP MAKING BABIES.

[ratswallow.livejournal.com]

I'd make a fisting comment, but that would be in poor taste, as would just about any other comment I could make.

[benchilada.livejournal.com]

Join the club, champ...

[graymalkn.livejournal.com]

if you want to know how far down in the shitter America is, you need to watch the pagent.

In a rare fit of optimism, I urge you to remember that the pageant is no longer broadcast on network TV and had to search and search just to get a spot on CMT.